Writers block… well kind of

dark cloudFor months now, I have been stuck thinking about the same thing. This thought had consumed my mind. Every thought had the same common theme and I couldn’t avoid it. Any time something new came along that same nagging thought would creep back into the forefront of my mind and corrupt all my new ideas and thoughts. It was like writers block but worse. It was as if a dark cloud was flowing me and I couldn’t get out from under it no matter what I did. I tried addressing the cloud to work through it. I tried ignoring the cloud and acting like it didn’t exist. I even tried accepting the cloud and incorporating sunshine to drown it out. Nothing worked. The cloud wouldn’t leave no matter what I tried. People would tell me to just wait and let things happen. But those who know me best know that is nearly impossible for me to do.

horrorOne day last week, during the replace the cloud with sunshine phase, the cloud broke through again and tried to ruin my attempt at a good time. I quickly changed plans and went to Plan B – ignore the cloud. That went well for a few hours. But that damn cloud came back with a vengeance. My night turned into an absolute horror night without a moments notice. I was mortified. After all the times I had tried to deal with the cloud, ignore the cloud, or replace the cloud, all three things were happening simultaneously and I couldn’t even think of how to react. So I didn’t. For the first time that I could remember, I just didn’t react. After some time had passed, I went to sleep. But this was the first time I wasn’t thinking about the cloud.

calmThe next day, nothing seemed different. It wasn’t until later on that night I realized the cloud had left me. The agonizing thoughts that had crippled my every waking moment for months were gone. I didn’t trust that those thoughts of doubt were gone for good. The cloud had become part of my life for so many months… one night couldn’t have changed everything. Could it? Days went by with nothing but sunshine and calmness. Every time I started to feel the cloud try to slip it’s way back in, the events from my horror night wouldn’t allow it. My mind was finally cleared.

I wondered… If I would have waited for things to just happen, would everything have happened the way they did? Did my attempt to change things hurry or slow the outcome? Or would it have taken just as long? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. The cloud seems to have finally left me and my thoughts are no longer clouded by the doubt that once plagued them. I wanted to find a way to tell those affected by my cloud but couldn’t. I thought it might be best to let them see it for themselves that things had changed. Hopefully, my skies stay as clear and beautiful as they are now.

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