Lately I’ve spent a lot of time feeling blue. I tried so many things to shake it. Tried staying busy with any type of distraction. Picked up extra shifts at work, took on big projects, went out with old friends, called my friends nonstop… even made several strategic plans with steps on how to get out of the blues. Nothing was working. Everything made me think about what was making me blue. Even shopping. Shopping bummed me out! How is that even possible?! Then out of no where, I snapped out of it. It was crazy.
What had happened wasss… I was at work again tonight at my super fun job. Tonight’s shift was the Clippers game against the Golden State Warriors. Much like my personal life lately… the game was tense. Not only were these two teams battling it out for a win, I had to work with an individual who was a huge reminder of the source of my blues. The evening was uncomfortable to say the least. Much of the night was spent avoiding this person. I didn’t want to see anyone that could pull me back into my downward spiral of sadness. After spending what seemed like days dodging any awkward conversations, (it was really only about 5 hours) we spoke.
This coworker of mine never really got too personal about anything in the past. It was nice that way. We had the ‘you stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours’ type of relationship. Tonight was different. I brought up the blues. It was all that had consumed my mind for so long I couldn’t help myself. I kept it as brief as possible whilst I explained why I had been acting so strangely. For the first time since I met this person, they seemed to kind of care about what I was going through. It threw me off. All I could think was… You’re not supposed to care. You’re supposed to cut this short and blow me off.
The things they said almost made matters worse for me. When I had assumed they would be as callous as the source of my blues, they turned around and acted quite the opposite. Their words made me feel hopeful. Made me think what I was going through may not be as permanent as I thought. I started to believe in the happy ending I longed for so badly. I immediately changed my plans for the evening and hung on to the tiny glimmer of hope from my conversation.
My shift ended I got in my car to drive home. I thought more about the hopeful words I had heard and how easily they changed the course of my evening. After a few short minutes into my drive, I realized how wrong my ‘friendly’ coworker had been with their kinds words of hope. I wanted to believe in a happily ever after. I wanted some fairy tell ending. Hell I am a woman. We all want that. Unfortunately, the truth was they couldn’t have been more wrong and I just wanted to believe them with no evidence to support the kinds words they had spoken.
As I kept driving home the strangest thing happened. I wasn’t blue anymore. Normally, after remembering my sad new reality, I’d be swallowed up with feelings of anxiety and sadness. But that didn’t happen! I don’t know how or why, but I stopped being sad and drawn to the past. No longer did I care about some plan of distraction or strategy out of sadness… I was just okay. More than that, I knew I could say goodbye to the past. I’ll probably always have warm feelings when it comes to the source of the blues, but I won’t let them make me blue anymore. Funny how that all worked out.